blessed to be a witness

I had a very excellent Christmas this year. Not because I got a super-abundance of gifts (although I certainly did not lack for gifts). Mostly it was excellent because I think it's the first year in quite a few that I haven't felt especially sad, worried, or stressed out in general. And that was a good feeling. On the flip side, I missed feeling spiritually connected during the whole season, but was so relieved not to feel the aforementioned sad, worried, or stressed that I didn't mind so much.

I've spent a lot of time with Hilary and her fiance Kevin while he was here. It's so good to see her, but I'm sad she's leaving tomorrow! Today we went to the Railroad Park and rode the train.

I found out that Steve also got a coffee maker for Christmas, so I might leave mine here until I figure out where I'll be taking it in the fall. He also got Seinfeld dvds... hooray!

My mom is driving back to St. Louis with me in about 2 weeks. I am glad not to drive through coldness alone.

New Year's Eve plans are still yet TBD.

Today my mom bought me a pre-Christmas present: a pair of black, pointy-toed dress shoes. I've never had a pair of pointy-toed shoes before. They look pretty cute. Hot, even. More "news" coming soon.

In appreciation...

Of all my friends, who: listen to my stories even when they are completely pointless and/or utterly ridiculous, do "uncool" things with me and think that they're cool (i.e. drinking in the fort), make me want to be a better person and a better friend, encourage me to be brave, talk me through important decisions (and not-so-important ones), laugh with me and at me, provide endless entertainment, call my bluffs, and give great hugs.

And an extra-special thanks to Katy, Jen, and Hopie, who are all leaving St. Louis for a while. You girls are the best and I'll miss you so much!

Last night, after an amazing holiday feast/party at Gretchen and Amee's, I had an honest-to-goodness sleepover with two of my closest friends. We started around 2 am with a couple games of Mario Kart, which I think Steve was hoping would make me angry to the point of explosion. I still sucked at it, but I kept my cool. Next on the agenda was a game of Truth or Truth. No one likes the Dares anyway, so why try? We started American Pie around 4:15, which made bed time a nice and early 6 am. It was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Four hours later, a neighbor was at the door to bitch about our building's heating problems. Why the thermostat that controls the heat for all 6 apartments is in OURS, is anyone's guess. But we didn't touch it and can't fix it... the maintenance dude was just here yesterday, but whatever he did did not solve the problem. It is starting to get cold... and we're on the 3rd floor. The poor 1st-floor Curry family.

MARIO KART IS INFURIATING!!!

We have a fort in our apartment. I know this has been mentioned before, if not in my blog, then definitely in Hopie's. But allow me to explain why this is cool. First, it demonstrates the sense of childlike imagination and joy alive in me, Steve, and George because hey, we built a fort and we like it. It's a great place to take a nap. Just today I took a short nap in the fort... and no one knew I was in there! So it's a good hiding place too. It also has a resident stuffed animal, a bear whose name is, unfortunately for the bear, too profane to publish here. But he's soft and nice for hugging. The roof of our fort is a blue blanket. This allows just the right amount of light to enter the fort... not enough by which to read a book, but enough to comfortably see the person with whom you are sharing fort time. The fort is also the perfect place for consuming food and drink. There's something about drinking alcoholic beverages and eating junk food in the fort that makes one feel slightly rebellious. Any and all are welcome to enjoy the coolness of the fort. Just say the password. (And I'll give you the password if you ask nicely.)

Tonight Hopie asked me if this had been one of my best semesters in St. Louis. And the answer, right away, was no. Don't get me wrong, there have been great, great things about the past few months. But I think I underestimated how hard it would be to "not do anything." I need certain things in my life, and I think that having structure and feeling useful in some way are two of them. When I voiced the not-feeling-useful complaint to Steve a while back, he said that I was useful around the apartment, so I guess that's good. I do the dishes and therefore I am useful!

It's been a challenge to try and walk the walk of what I believe, the stuff that's easy enough for me to tell other people but hard to do myself. Such as, I really do believe that who you are is so much more than what you do and that life is more about who you are than what you do. But... it's still hard to just trust that you'll figure out what you want to do eventually. And in the meantime, how exactly do you work on who you are? Those have been some of my rambling thoughts.

So that no one gets the wrong impression and thinks that I am either depressed, unhappy, or overly introspective, let me share what has been great about the past 6 months or so. I LOVE my apartment and my roommates. I have such fun with those guys and I feel genuinely supported by their company. I have tons of friends and acquaintances around, giving me the opportunity of laughing a whole lot. I've gotten as much (or more) sleep as I've needed. I have more time to do nice things for people. I get to read books I want to read and watch movies when I want to. I have nothing but time with which to think about life and what I want and don't want and what comes next.

And you know what? My concerns about the future are more about uncertainty or fear than about a lack of trust. Because I do trust that all will be well. Maybe my fear isn't compatible with my trust... but working through that is part of working on myself. I'm getting there.

A few points...

-I am tired. I have not been sleeping well and I don't know why.
-Our apartment has Christmas lights in the windows. They look stupendous.
-Scott Peterson case: I found myself feeling disgusted that people were cheering, like really joyous, when he was convicted. What would be cause for cheering, in my opinion, is if he hadn't committed murder in the first place.
-Rascal Flatts comes on January 27th! I need to get tickets.
-Laura and I have bought each other a Christmas ornament every year since we were freshmen. Our annual trip is on Friday!
-I impulse-bought the Home Alone dvd at Target last night. I am going to watch it soon. And The Muppet Christmas Carol.
-Cute story today in the Post-Dispatch.

To-do list for the next two weeks, in no particular order:

1) finish writing application essays
2) send in completed applications
3) spend lots of time with friends who will not be back in January
4) read books instead of watching tv
5) send Christmas cards
6) think of perfect Christmas presents for friends
7) clean up the apartment
8) see Ocean's Twelve
9) frolic